see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.