i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever