those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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