So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
