Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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