Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
