I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
