i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Someone signed my nipple.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
