Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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