My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
