Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable