my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
