toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten