now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?