the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .