"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So many bounce houses so little time
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
BRING THE BAGELS
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
