During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
