i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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