So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
