Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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