I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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