my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
