Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
