can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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