Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
