I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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