Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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