Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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