At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
