There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
