i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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