Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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