it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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