Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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