Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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