On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
