there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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