he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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