It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
