Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
