It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
