drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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