i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
