i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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