Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
