I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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