Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
