Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
