my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
