Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
