Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
