I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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