i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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