I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
