When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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