I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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