i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
